Our Fragile self-concept - AKA “the ego”
This tiny portion of the brain,
…is responsible for all your fears.
The average human brain has 60,000 thoughts a day.
80% are Negative.
That’s 48,000 Negative thoughts every single day.
This is the Negativity Bias.
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The brain is trained to look for and recall the negative.
The bad.
The uncomfortable.
The frightening.
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Why?
The brain has one topic on its mind.
Survival.
Existence.
Safety & Security.
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This photo is the Amygdala.
The center for fear and apprehension.
In humans, this center has evolved.
We not only fear threats to our physical safety, like all animals.
We also fear threats to our Self Concept.
The Ego.
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The Self Concept or “Ego” is formed between ages 3-5 and solidified by age 11.
Who we are.
Where we fit in.
Our role in the house, family and world.
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The Helper. The Leader. The Rebel.
The Giver. The Athlete. The Bookworm.
The Performer. The Comic. The Peacemaker.
These Self Concepts are learned and reinforced through Experiences, Praise, Recognition, and Reprimand.
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“You’re children are so quiet and well behaved!”
Be good. Be quiet.
“You are such a talented Athlete!”
My worth is tied to my performance.
“You’re so Funny! You always make me laugh.”
Being funny makes people like you.
“What a pretty little dress. Aren’t you a pretty little girl.”
My looks are how I receive affection and attention.
“You always know how to calm me down”
It’s my job to help others with their emotions.
“If you ever make a scene like that again, I’ll give you something to really cry about”
It’s not okay to show my emotions.
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The more emotionally negative an event, the stronger it sticks.
A single negative comment outshines all the praise.
That one time you tried something new,” failed" or were reprimanded, made fun of etc.
A harsh message was sent to your self concept.
“Don’t do that again”
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Self Concept is extremely fragile.
Especially if you don’t know it’s there in the background.
Those of us with a fragile self concept can easily tip into a crisis when our self concept is threatened.
It feels as if all that you are, all that you’ve ever been, will be lost.
I’ll lose my place in my family, community, and friendships.
I will cease to exist.
I will die.
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Let’s look at some examples.
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The Religious.
If I’m not a Mormon, if I lose my Faith, I will cease to exist.
I cannot even entertain thoughts that contradict my faith, because that opens the door to losing it.
Doubts and questions cause extreme levels of anxiety.
If I lose my faith, I lose my entire self concept.
I will die.
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The Mother.
If I’m not a busy Mom, needed by my children 24/7, then who am I?
The kids are growing up. Moving out. My anxiety is through the roof.
If I’m no longer “Mom”, my role in the world ceases to exist.
I will die.
Rather than form a new self concept, I’ll may stay overly attached to my children.
Unconsciously stirring up conflict, overstepping healthy boundaries, keeping an emotional bond alive.
Not allowing my children to move on into adulthood.
Pushing for them to have children as soon as possible, so that I can have grandchildren to “mother”.
So that I can keep up my self concept alive.
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The Athlete.
I’ve always been good at sports.
I’m naturally athletic.
High School Star. College Scholarship.
An Injury I can’t come back from is my greatest fear.
Worse than actually dying.
If I can’t play, If I’m no longer an athlete, I am nothing.
I cease to exist.
I’d rather keep playing injured, potentially causing severe disability, than give up the sport.
I don’t want to die.
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The Nursing Student.
Helping others is my identity. It always has been.
I’ve always wanted to be a nurse. It’s my calling. It is my destiny.
If I don’t pass this exam, if I don’t become a nurse, I will cease to exist.
A B- feels like the end of the world, sends me into a full blown crisis of self concept.
If I fail the NCLEX, I will die.
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So what are we to do with our fragile self-concept?
Self awareness is the key.
Simply know that this is going on in the background of all our minds.
And build a little space between what is actually true and what your self concept thinks is true.
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If you’re no longer an Athlete, know that you can find new passions and talents.
If your kids move away, know that you can contribute loving energy to the world in new and exciting ways.
If all your college friends move away and you lose touch, trust that you can make new friends wherever you are.
If you fail Nursing School, know that you can bring healing energy into the world in anything you do.
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I encourage you to look at your own self concept.
Write out your Ego’s story.
How is keeping your self concept alive and unthreatened holding you back from growth?
What will actually happen if you let go of a portion of your self concept?
What is true, and what is fear?
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Let me know what comes up in the comments!
I’d love to hear your Ego’s story.
